I need change.
I fear change.
I crave safety and familiarity.
I need change.
I need to live and work in such a way to be true to the direct spiritual experiences that have punctuated my life since 2005. These are the experiences that have brought me, a former hardened atheist, back to Christianity but have thus far, not brought about any changes in my outer life.
In an effort to do something about this and open new career opportunities, I drafted an email to Christians Against Poverty (or CAP as they are commonly known) after hearing about their excellent work on BBC Radio 4’s Today program, enquiring whether they had any suitable vacancies. But then, I hesitated… and after hesitating I abandoned the email… and then I berated myself for even thinking that I am capable of changing career direction at this point in my life when I have a family to support and a mortgage to pay.
At Church on Sunday the Gospel reading was from Matthew 25:14-30. It couldn’t have been more apt and it served as a kick up the backside from Jesus, prompting me to stop making excuses and start committing my life to God.
26 His master answered, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not winnowed. 27 Then you ought to have given my money to the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.
28 ‘So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents.29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from him who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away. 30 And throw the unprofitable servant into outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’
I’m definitely guilty of burying the gifts of the Spirit I’ve been given and I recognise the outer darkness from my many out-of-body-experiences. It was in this outer darkness that I heard the voice of God berate me.
Now I know why.
This made me retrieve my abandoned email to CAP, complete it and hit the send button.
I hope that they don’t bin it – it was a bit of a rambling mess, so I could understand if they write me off as a crazy man – but even if they do, at least I’ve taken a positive step forward into transitioning into the fulfilling Christian outer-life I intuitively feel is waiting for me.